To anybody who thinks that going through transition is a bad idea: think again. I wouldn’t be getting my life on track this way otherwise.
Now that my life is worth living, I’m finally sprucing it up a little. Now that I’m slowly starting to inhabit an identity that I actually like, rather than one that’s foisted on me, I’m taking care of it, owning it, and learning to like myself. I’m exercising more and eating less; I’m giving a considerably bigger crap about personal hygiene and such, now that I’ve realized I don’t have to drown myself in florals and strawberries every time I step in the shower. I care about my appearance when I step out the door, and actually probably pay more attention to the way my hair looks now that it’s cut short than I did when it was hanging long (rather like a dead rat- I couldn’t do anything with it, so I barely even bothered brushing it). I know the clothes that I like, and thereby don’t just throw on any random thing I find lying on the floor anymore (and believe me, my room was full of hand-me-downs that even the biggest fashion pariah would look at and go, “You’re wearing that? Really?”)
It’s spreading into other areas. Now that I like my life and intend to live in it for a lot longer than I originally planned, I’m taking care of my things and spaces. For the last four days, I’ve done a super-powered bedroom cleanse where I threw out about 66% of my belongings, 75% of my clothes and 100% of the trash that was lying around from six years of living in the same house and not giving a shit where anything landed. I’ve done away with the ancient bedframe with hearts that I never liked but used anyway because it was there; I can sleep on a mattress on the floor and be four times as happy. In fact, I have three twin mattresses in there as my main furniture. Now my room has the look and feel of a totally modular bachelor pad, and I actually enjoy spending time in there- it’s no longer a drop-off dump for my junk. I’ve cleaned out my dresser drawers, washed all my clothes, folded it, and put it in there. You’d think that becoming a guy would give me sloppier housecleaning and hygiene ethics, but I’m not sure it was possible: the only direction to go from where I was at was UP! I’m no longer the disgusting guy who doesn’t shower and has a room full of empty cheetos bags and other questionable items. I’m the guy who is getting his life together.
I’m applying for jobs again. I’m saving up my money to get a new car. I’m getting my insurance papers in order so I can get my teeth fixed. I’m making new friends left and right instead of losing the old ones. And I’m doing it all because I’m transitioning into the person who I want to be. None of this would be possible if I had so little hope as I did last year. I was beaten down, confused, and certain that I was so screwed up that I’d never fit in. At that point, I figured my life was over, I was never going to be happy, so why not just give up?
And then, I figured out that there was a way out. I wasn’t trapped. Sure, I wasn’t going to get the body that I wanted (everyone wants a Ferrari), but there was a way to get into one that I could at least be comfortable with (my ’92 Chevy AstroVan). With this, I know I can go on and make a good life for myself.
This is the testimonial of a life reformed.
To anyone who says that transition isn’t a good idea for those who feel they are stuck in the wrong body:
You can suck my cock.