A journey to San Francisco to become no less than Me. (BLOG REBOOT: Former site of Hairy Legs.)

Posts tagged ‘manniversary’

1 Year Manniversary!

So, it was this day last year that I made the decision to start living full time as male.  I’ve pulled this from the first post on my blog:

“This is Day 1.  Ground zero.
Today’s the official start of my transitioning process.
Some day, I won’t be the only person who sees me as a man.  Some day the whole goddamn world will without a second guess.  And it’s only a matter of time.
Joaquin Jack, the rootin’-est tootin’-est outlaw in the Wild West.”

A lot of things have changed since that day.  The most recent change?  I’m now officially a working stiff.  Yep, that volunteer gig I’ve been talking about since April?  They finally offered me a full time, paid job with benefits.  My medical insurance starts in September, and I can start the process of medical transition this year.

Social transition started a long time ago.  Most people I know call me Tommy, even in the workplace.  Most of those people call me by male pronouns, except for family and people in the workplace.  I don’t know how I’m going to navigate that when I start looking and sounding more male, but I have a very cool and understanding supervisor who is used to dealing with people in unusual personal situations, so I’d be surprised if she treats me unfairly.

Funnily enough, my attitude towards pronouns has gotten a lot more lax lately, mainly because I’m just so tired of seeing people struggle with it.  I’ve even had a few people who have been trying their damnedest break down and cry over it, even when I wasn’t pressing the issue.  I can tell with these people, they genuinely want to say the right things around me and it really gets to them when they don’t, and it’s gotten to the point where I frankly don’t give a shit anymore.  I mean, it’s awesome when I get sirred in public, but there’s nothing I can do right now about the fact that I look, sound and smell female, and asking people to do mental acrobatics around it is a little unreasonable until I’ve been on T for a while.

That’s not to say that I let people walk all over me, though.  Recently a few friends and I were hanging out, and I was telling this story from back when I was still doing the whole “chick” thing, and one of my brodudes said, “Hey, FYI, you’re still a chick.”

I punched him in the face.

It was kind of awesome.  His head slammed the wall behind him and he came up dizzy and checking if all his teeth were there.

He got the picture.  We were cool from then on.

***

What else has changed since last year?  Hm…
– My car works again, feels good to have independence.
– I’ve finally gotten back into the habit of showering and brushing my teeth every day- I care about my body now that it might actually belong to me one day.
– I’ve been eating less junk food and soda and crap and staying active, and I’ve gained some muscle and lost 23 pounds worth of spare fat.
– I’m on my way to quitting smoking (which I’ve never really mentioned on here because I don’t want to make any of my  former smoker transbros start jonesing, but I feel it’s worth bringing up at least on my manniversary.)
– I finally got together the balls to cut my hair last year, feels awesome not to have an extra blanket of heat coating my neck and back in the summer.
– I’ve become an expert at using an STP at public urinals, and have broken the fear of using the men’s room.
– I’ve come out to my dad and we even talk about it at lengths these days, and he (sort of) accepts me as his son, off and on.  It’s all I can ask for at this point.
– Have been wearing a real binder, not an improvised one that could distort my ribs, for probably about 9 months now.  Of course I’ve been binding off and on for a long time, and every single day for a year now, but using one regularly that doesn’t hurt my back has done wonders for my self-esteem and general health.
– Since having them compressed every day, I’ve lost at least a cup size.  I used to be a full C, and now I’m kind of a saggy B.  Not as attractive with my shirt off, but much easier to bind, and sometimes I can even wear a baggy shirt without being self-conscious.
– I’ve pumped off and on all year, and let’s just say my microcock is a lot easier to see these days.
– A lot of other smaller things that I don’t feel like recounting.

The only negative thing is that I’ve become a lot less comfortable with sex these days.  Since being with someone who doesn’t neccessarily find my trans situation attractive and kinda made me feel like shit about myself in several ways, and becoming more and more wary that any guy I’m with will want to do me in the manhole, I’ve lost my sex drive almost entirely.  This has led to even more anxiety about it, since, as a general rule, “males have a bigger sex drive”, and since last year, mine has only shrunk.  Of course, it’s all a performance anxiety and self-consciousness issue.  But it’s kind of positive that I’m less desparately, widly depressed about how small my dick is and more generally just not interested in sex right now.  I’m sure when I find the right person, all that anxiety about my genitals will go away, and having my sex drive boosted by T won’t be as soul-crushing.

Anyway, my manniversary celebration turned out to be a lot less exciting than I originally planned, but then, I originally planned to be taking my first T shot right about now.  I’ve basically only had my best friend over today and we’ve surfed the internet all day and listened to music.  That’s it. It just seemed superfluous to make a big deal out of “Hey, I decided something this day last year!”  I’ll probably go buy a cake or something when I actually get on T.

***

I think the biggest point of all this is, I held my own Real Life Test, just to know for sure, for my own purposes, that this was what I wanted to do, that not only could I handle the societal pressures of being male, but the problems that come with living as one gender when the world percieves you as another.

It went far better than expected.

I’ve been living with genuine peace of mind in myself for a year, despite the storm raging all around.  I’ve come to know who I really am, and that person wasn’t as cool as I originally thought he would be, but I’ve settled with being a big dork, and I’m happy with that.  I haven’t been experiencing any delusions or hallucinations, the dissociation has ceased, my emotional turmoil has settled considerably, and since having a cool and sane head, I can see that a lot of the world wasn’t as big and scary and dramatic and bad as I thought it was.  I’ve developed a sense of responsibility to myself and others now that I have a cemented sense of identity and I don’t feel like a visitor to this world operating an expendable avatar.  I’m comfortable with myself and my friends tell me that I seem happier.  There’s no more being constantly on edge for fear that my own mind will revolt and I’ll have to account for yet another day lost to someone I don’t know.  I’ve gotten used to what it’s like to be the only person in here, and it’s surprisingly simple, even if at first it was a little claustrophobic.  I feel much more real, I feel connected to the consequences of my actions, I feel in control.  I feel… normal.

That was something I never expected.

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Cleaning and building.

Days till Manniversary: 22

Today I’ve cleaned my room, which is always a major event for me even though I don’t really let it get as bad as I used to.  Also, I went through my entire computer and organized everything into one major file that I can back up when we go get the computer debugged next week.  This means I spent an entire day going through files I’ve saved on this computer all the way back through 2005, which was a pretty exhaustive tour of the last 5 years of my life.  I got to relive all the embarrassing phases I’ve gone through in my latter teen years.  It’s hard to believe the sheer volume of crap I wrote about myself, and it’s kind of embarrassing to see how self-absorbed I was, but at the same time, it’s kind of a good thing because I can go back to almost any given date and see what my mindset was at the time.  After I finally gave in and accepted that I was a guy, and after the alter thing ended, it became almost a chore to write about myself because after so many years of trying to figure out who I was, I was so tired of thinking about myself and done with introspection in general.  This blog has kind of been a way to force myself to keep cataloging things.

Anyway, today has been a very productive day, because along with organizing and straightening and doing my laundry and so forth, I’ve been inspired to do a couple other things for myself:

1) assemble the playlist I’ll be playing at my Manniversary with songs that are relevant to my interests, and

2) finally put together that really awesome STP/packer with the harness that I’ve been wanting to make for so long.

The playlist includes the following songs which I consider FTM inspiring and empowering (and also amusing):

1. I’m Still Here- Johnny Rzeznik
2. Changes- David Bowie
3. I’ll Make a Man out of You- Mulan Soundtrack
4. A Boy Named Sue- Johnny Cash
5. Pork and Beans- Weezer
6. Half Jack- Dresden Dolls
7. I Can Make You a Man- Rocky Horror Picture Show
8. Rebel, Rebel- David Bowie

The one song that I REALLY wanted to add to my list, Guy Named Joe by Coyote Grace, isn’t yet on Project Playlist, but I’ll have to figure out some way to rectify this.  I’ll also be adding more songs as I come across songs that I feel are relevant.  If you like this list, feel free to use it or suggest songs you’ve found to be inspiring over your transition.

I’ll probably write about the stp packer next time, because I used techniques from a lot of other sources that I’d like to link to get the device I wanted.  I may even include pictures if I can.

I’m feeling very inspired to get things done, which is good because my new goal is to set up my first appointment with my new gender therapist by the 24th, and I still don’t even have insurance.  So it’s time to get on that.

Day One: the 30 Day Challenge.

Just today, one of my subscriptions on youtube decided to undertake a project for the month of June- a 30 Day Challenge.  As far as I could tell, it basically involves making an entry on your blog, vlog, journal or what have you, every single day for 30 days, just to see if you can do it.  Apparently, it takes 30 days to form a habit.  Looking at my archives, my blog entries have sporadically but surely been declining month-by-month since last year to the shamefully low stats of only 2 blogs in this last month of May.  Admittedly, I had a certain event this year really take the wind out of my passion for expression, but I’m done letting that sort of thing control my life while alternatively becoming my convenient excuse for laziness in general.

Overall, I’m approaching my 1-year Manniversary for living full time as male, and I feel like it’s time to get back on top of the blogging thing.  I’ve gone long enough letting little but important things slip past me in my documentation of my personal changes.  I almost feel like I’ve been cheating myself out of valuable information that I’m going to want to remember one day when I get to where I want to be, and look back to see how far I’ve come.  Who knows, maybe one day I’ll even be able to condense some of this stuff into a book.  I’ve always been compelled to take notes of my life, though I’m not sure why- almost as if I know that no matter how precious the moment is, one day my memory WILL let me down and things that I’ve fought so hard to experience will have been lost to time forever.  I want to be able to save things, and maybe eventually share them.

So, this is my introductory blurb to the 30 Day Challenge.  I will say that I’m probably going to be keeping it to fairly short notes all month, because I don’t want to put the pressure on myself to write a novel every evening- I know that will drive me away from even wanting to accomplish it at all.  But if I promise myself that all I have to do is enter a few sentences, a thought or a note on how I’m feeling, maybe a picture or even a haiku or something equally artsy, it’ll become a lot easier to make myself hit that “publish” button every single day- even if it means I have to get up early in the morning to do it before going out just to be sure I get it done.

Wish me luck!

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