So, since the last post, I’ve had a few more blowups in my life, one involving an old friend and one involving my partner. One has resolved and the other, I really haven’t had to gonads to pick up again. I was called immature in a direct response to my last post by someone who wasn’t even involved with the events in it. Generally when a major fight like this ensues and I walk away from it and give myself a few days to cool off, I’ll come back with a renewed perspective and see how I was in the wrong. However, and this is rare, three days later I still don’t see what I did that was so immature other than vent about my frustrations on an online blog. I’ve even come to reconciliation with the person I mentioned fighting with IN the blog. But since the last thing I said before storming away from the person who accused me of immaturity was “YOU DON’T FUCKING KNOW HOW IT’S BEEN,” I’m not sure how my opinion on my own personal maturity will hold up.
I honestly don’t feel compelled in any way to apologize though, because I can’t find any error in what I’m thinking, feeling or saying (other than that final blowup, which ultimately might have made the accusation of immaturity right.) But even that, however wrongly it was said, is still the truth to me. The last thing I need right now is someone who hasn’t been through any of what I’m dealing with giving me lectures on how badly I’m dealing with it. I just… NEED HELP DEALING WITH IT. I’m not finding it anywhere, you know?
a) people trying to tell me how hard it is on them, which I’m already aware of and only makes me feel guiltier,
b) people telling me I’m not doing a good job of handling this, which kinda just makes things worse because I already know, which is why I’m asking for help in the first place,
c) people who don’t want to hear it, which is fine with me, as long as they make that clear up front so I can find someone else to talk to,
d) and generally just people who don’t seem too interested in supporting me- just criticizing me.
I don’t NEED criticism right now. YES, constructive criticism is great. It can really build character when you’re looking to build. Right now, I’m just looking to hold out as everything in my mind is getting torn down. Criticism of any kind is really like a baseball bat to the gut right now, and while I’m not looking for anyone to coddle me and treat me like a delicate little butterfly or anything, I just want you to know that if you think that what you have to say might be hurtful in any way, it’s NOT GOING TO BE HELPFUL at this time in my life. I’ll work on building character when everything’s settled and I can start moving forward again. Right now, I just need people to listen.
I’m spread open on the operating table and open-heart surgery is taking place. If I let you into the operating room, if I trust you enough to let you in at this most crucial time in my life, I don’t need you barging in, unscrubbed, with a sledgehammer and a wrench and trying to fix things on top of what’s going on in here already. This is DANGEROUS.
I’ve found myself at staggering lows of depression in the last few weeks, scary, suicidal places so deep that I’ve never known them before, places that make me want to do crazy things. It doesn’t take much to push me when I’m even remotely like this. Last time I got almost this low and weirded out, I wound up in a homeless shelter. I think that, since I’ve finally found out what’s been wrong all these years and now there’s a goal to fix it, I’m more likely to keep my head on straight, but then again, maybe not. I don’t want this to read like a threat, I just… don’t have many people I can go to, and being alone in a scary time in my life like this makes me just want to bail out. If you can be the one person in my life who is just there for me and isn’t trying to…
it can make all the difference.
IN OTHER NEWS, and ending on a much brighter note, I’ve been noticing slight changes to my body that make me wonder if my body is reacting to me focusing on transition by upping my testosterone levels.
For one, I noticed a single, long chest hair this morning that was just eccentric enough to give me the shits and giggles. I decided not to really lay any meaning on it- it’s just a hair, right? People grow single, random hairs on their bodies all the time. No biggie. But it still made me kinda happy.
But then, this evening, (well, this is slightly graphic and awkward, but it’s relevant so just bear with me,) I was spontaneously checking out various parts of my body and I noticed that my clit has definitively grown, in circumference and length. It’s really not anything to speak of one way or the other in terms of dick measurement, but it kind of shocked me to see it. I wasn’t even aroused. What does this mean?
Am I seriously producing testosterone holistically?
I was on an FTM forum a little bit ago, and they were listing foods that can raise your T levels naturally. I realized I’ve been craving a lot of the foods they listed, somewhat all my life, but particularly lately. Maybe my body craves T and naturally knows where it can get it.
Either way, not being formally on HRT, I’m pleased with the way my transition is going.