So, to put it bluntly, I’m having a problem I didn’t think I’d have. Not only am I having issues with my given unit whilst in bed, but I’m having trouble letting myself be on bottom, period. I don’t really want to go into all the gory details because I’m sure I’d manage to offend someone out there, but let’s just say that this has led to a lot of heartache and tears for both parties. I can’t enjoy being in bed anymore unless I’m on top, which basically means I haven’t had sex in a week, because my partner and I are clashing on who gets to dominate.
I never thought I’d be that person who would let those sorts of problems get to me so much that I’d start having feelings of worthlessness and depression, panic, general inferiority and anxiety about it all. It got bad. I started tapping out whenever we’d start to do something- down there- and recently I nearly threw up, immediately after which I lost consciousness on my floor next to trash bin. I spent so long trying to accommodate him and let him know that he wasn’t losing the person who could once upon a time be anything and everything for him, but I pushed it too far, WAAY past the point of being comfortable, to where it seriously started screwing with my mind. I haven’t felt such a disjunction between my identity and what I was trying to be in a long time. There’s a lot more going on in my sex life than I care to continue going on about, so let’s just say it’s not going well. I feel like I’m coming apart at the edges again.
Anyway, I’m starting to feel less lenient on the subject of of bottom surgery. Last night, I dreamt that I went to a prison, and was told that if I was everybody’s love slave, then I could eventually grow my own penis. It was horrific, and symbolic in ways that I don’t really care to point out. I really think that I should pursue bottom surgery if I want these disturbances to stop.