So I’ve been out of a bad relationship for a couple of months now it seems, and my sex drive has had time to recover. I’ve long since passed that point where no longer having to Report In For Sex nightly is really nice. I’m at that level of loneliness where being low on physical contact makes me feel notably low on energy, but not yet at that point where seeing a nice ass actually makes my crotch ache. It’s close, I can tell, because being around cute guys who trigger my gaydar makes my heart race, and porn is slowly becoming interesting again. I figure it’s time to get back on the bike and look into dating before I get to that point of desperation that makes me do really stupid things that I’ll regret for years to come. For once, I’d like to actually have a choice in the person I wind up in bed with rather than jump on the first piece of ass that wiggles in my vicinity.
I never really thought I’d actually descend to the level of dating sites, but two years of pondering my personal position makes me realize that I’m really only going to find a partner in a situation where it’s not awkward to say “Hey, by the way, I’m FTM” right off the bat. And it seems like the only situation where that could seem even remotely natural is on the web, preferably on a site where that’s a quality that someone is actively looking for.
I don’t necessarily want that to be the reason someone goes after me (although I don’t seem to have the problem with tranny-chasers that most Tguys seem to have), but by the same token, I don’t want to seduce any gay men who would initially have images of penis dancing through their heads. In short, I want you to know what you’re getting up front when you get it, without you putting in time and energy to getting “trapped”. I don’t have any vendetta against gay guys who aren’t into the vajayjay. I get it, you know? Some people just can’t be aroused when their partner’s crotch has a certain setup, and I can perfectly understand that. It takes being compatible in ALL aspects- not just mentally. I’ve come to terms with that.
So you might understand what I’m feeling when I say I saw someone on a message board lamenting that there weren’t enough gay transmen around. HOLY CRAP, I’m thinking, THIS IS MY CHANCE! I click into his profile.
He’s cute, an added bonus. Genderfucker, his profile says- one of my fetishes! I scroll down- Drag queen?! Where have you been all my life? He keeps a blog. Oh my god, a fellow writer! I have to read this!
I click in. First post I see is about silly lighthearted shenanigans concerning forking someone’s lawn and TPing their house as retribution for a series of pranks. This is great! He’s got an active social life, isn’t afraid of a little adventure, a great sense of humor and not only that, the fact that his blog isn’t only about his queerness shows a levelheaded and well-rounded person who isn’t obsessed head to toe with the “Lifestyle”. Well-written and good grammar to boot. I’m all a-twitter.
Next post- a reflective post on spirituality taken to extremes; well intended, humorous, kind and thought-provoking, as well as a direct reflection of my own outlook on religion. I’m ready to propose. I find his facebook, shoot him a friend request. Hope springs eternal.
“…something something something, My Boyfriend something something…”
He has a boyfriend.
My heart crashes through my feet. I feel betrayed. Didn’t you just say you were looking for transmen? Clearly you already found one, or you were referencing a time you were looking for one, in a different time, in a different place. I scan your blog frantically for some mention of polyamory, open relationships, hell, even fuckbuddies-
I stop and laugh at myself for getting so wrapped up in this. You promised me nothing- you don’t even know I exist. The good ones are always taken, aren’t they? I should have known someone so cute, sweet and smart would already be involved. Now I feel like some kind of crazy internet stalker. I should keep looking for someone in meatspace.
But in a community where the gay men hide due to fear of being shot and I’ve met two transpeople- total-
How do I even begin?