A journey to San Francisco to become no less than Me. (BLOG REBOOT: Former site of Hairy Legs.)

Posts tagged ‘christians’

WAR!

So it’s definitely been far too long since I’ve been posting regularly.  I have no excuses.  Aliens.  Aliens, maybe.  Just insert your favorite alien abduction scenario, it’ll come to you.

I felt like making note that my existence has actually caused a minor nuclear war in the interpersonal lives of some people who are technically more friends-of-friends than anything.  This fact has prevented the whole ordeal from impacting me any more strongly than a minor passing amusement.

See, my roomie’s best friend has a hyper-christian mom (that’s how these tales of war always start, I’m finding by studying my history, with some hyper-christian figure of authority).  She was spending a lot of time at my apartment to get away from these nutcases, and was considering our house a free and innocent haven.

Unfortunately, deception had to be thrown in the mix to maintain the facade of innocence.  She decided (without asking me first of course) to tell her mom that I was a girl so that she wouldn’t think I was having sex with her.  (Not sure how that really helped the situation, as I could have been a raving dyke and I don’t think my lack of a penis would have stopped me, maybe it just would have been my decency and respect for her human right to demand my refraining from rape, I don’t know, something like that.  Point is, apparently it worked.   Christian moms have mysterious minds.)

At this point in the story, I was still confused as to why my genitals were even relevant to someone who I’d never met and never intended to meet, and she probably could have gotten a similar effect by pretending I didn’t exist at all and I would have been a bit more comfortable with that.  But at this point I just continued tapping my fingers together bemusedly and said, “Go on….”  (Hopefully this was more disarming than disconcerting, but one can never tell.  Maybe I should study my human reactions more closely, but the pleasing sound of her voice getting a lot more strained and the little beads of sweat appearing on her forehead tells me I was on the right track and she was relaxing into a nice calm afternoon.)

So, apparently one afternoon recently while my roomie was visiting their family, this friend-of-a-friend had to go take a shower, and my roomie was left on the porch, cornered by terrifying zealot-mom who started interrogating her about this mysterious “Tommy” person in the house.  Here’s where the romantic-comedy-esque hilarious miscommunication ensues, as friend-of-a-friend had not informed Roomie that she was insisting that I was a girl, and my Roomie had been trained rigorously to insist that I was male.  So upon interrogation she began declaring that I was her brother, and then that no really, I was a dude, and why would you think something like that you’ve never even met him, and why do you keep calling your daughter a dirty heathen liar, and oh shit something’s gone horribly wrong here, hasn’t it?

So long story short, my very existence as a gender-ambiguous being has caused a major rift in an already shaky mother-daughter relationship and she’s on the verge of being kicked out for “lying” about me (I’m actually kind of happy that her mom was convinced that I was a dude and that she was boning me and just telling her mom that I was a chick to get away with it, all “Twelfth Night” and shit).  It’s kind of true, minus the screwing part.  I just don’t know how to support her here- one way or another I wouldn’t just be boning her because she’s a female in my house and I’m a male, end of story.  But as far as she sees it, she DIDN’T lie to her mom.  And that sucks.  I don’t know why I can’t be trusted on the sole merit of my honor, and I have to have my vagina flashed around the neighborhood just to be “safe”.  Funny world we live in.

Anyway, I’m pretty sure I’m just going to dance into their living room wearing flaming horns and a strap-on dildo and howl and cavort like a devil-child just to give her mom a heart attack, because there’s no honest explanation of this that will save my image in her eyes.  I really don’t care what she thinks of me; she’s crazy by definition.  Mainly I’m just amused that I got to shatter a christian family by mere merit of my existence and I didn’t even have to lift a finger.  God bless America.

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Day Twelve: Intrapersonal progress.

(I’m probably going to keep this short because the exhaustion of the funeral and so forth in the last few days has drawn me out.  Nonetheless, I intend to keep on track with the challenge as much as possible.)

Some time last week, a friend and his family took me out to go bowling.  Naturally, when he put my original name on the electronic scorekeeper readout, I had him change it to Tommy because the discomfort of seeing my old name announced across the entire casino made me want to rip my own guts out.  Now, to understand the complexity of the situation, let me explain that my friend is gay, and his parents are very conservative Christians.  To say that he’s used to keeping secrets is an understatement- his mom does know but she’s somewhat uncomfortable, and even she had advised him not to let his dad in on it.  So when I went to change my name on the readout, my friend almost stopped me.  But I told him, “I don’t need a reason not to like my old nickname.  Let’s just leave it at that for now.”

Now, I figured the delicacy of the situation would involve him explaining to his mom at a later date when his dad wasn’t around, because even as open as I’ve become about it, his dad does make me a little uncomfortable.  But what he told me later bothered me somewhat.  He said that his mom had guessed dead on the nose, saying, “Is she becoming a boy?” and he’d “explained” that I just liked the nickname and the barber had screwed up my haircut and made it way shorter and butchier than I wanted.  (For some reason, that was a satisfactory answer- I don’t know about you, but I’d still be suspicious.)  Maybe a year ago, I would have been grateful for him covering my ass, but now I felt as though he were ashamed of me.  I am now at the point where I’m coming out to respected adults and parents of friends in my life and expecting to be taken seriously, and it’s no longer a game to be hidden from the grown-ups.

To be fair, he said that she’d decidedly stated that she didn’t like transsexuals, so I was at the risk of not being welcome in their home if I’d been outed, therefore, he’d taken measures.  But damn it, I’ve come to the that place in my transition where, if somebody doesn’t like it, then it’s up to them to decide whether the loss of me as a friend is worth it, because I’m not going to change myself to fill people’s expectations just to keep them around.  I spent the first two decades of my life wasting time on that.  Frankly, if you don’t know I’m trans by now, then I either don’t respect you or don’t trust you.

General life update; the Big STP Post is Coming.

This Summer…
{can’t you just hear Don LaFontaine’s voice already?  you know, that guy who does the voice for every major movie trailer in history?}
When a Man…
{pause, movie clip}
Without a Penis…
{pause, movie clip}
Learns to Stand Up.
{sudden, gripping blackness}
To Piss.
{KICK-ASS ACTION SEQUENCE}
Live in Fear of the…
{pause}
S
{boom}
T
{boom}
P
{booooom, gong}
8.12.09

Yeah, that’s about what I’m seeing in anticipation of my STP post, which is actually probably going to be pretty boring in comparison to the buildup.  But writing things like that makes me feel like Stephen Colbert, so I did it anyway.  😉

Anyway, that’s going to be among my next posts.  I have about three or four in my immediate queue, all of which require photos and graphics to properly communicate their given points, and since I’m having technical difficulties concerning getting my pictures on the computer, those entries are waiting around a bit.  But I really felt like updating since all of you have been so supportive and since I’ve also hit an average of about 40 views a day, which is a real perk to me.  Since I now feel I have a fairly steady active viewership of at least a few people, I feel like it’s time to ask a question without feeling stupid for putting a query out into open, dry space.  And I figured I’d ask a question that relates in some way to what I was planning on posting.

My question to all of you, as transmen, concerns pissing.  I realize this is probably way too personal for a lot of you, but seeing as we all pretty much talk amongst ourselves about the devices we use to pee in public urinals, it didn’t seem too far of a reach, at least within our brotherhood.

Looking back, I realize that, as a young child, I had a slight fixation from time to time with peeing outside- you know, behind a bush or a tree, not a sick fascination with it as such where I wanted to be SEEN or anything, but more of, in retrospect, probably the primal call to mark where I’d been, or something of the like.  Now that I’m much older than that “primal” age of six or seven, I hear a lot of stories of kids doing that, but-

they’re always boys.

Never once have I heard a story of a girl that had the compulsion to pee outside when they were little, and nor do I think that people would look on it as quite natural behaviour as little boys.

It’s not like there’s any data on “kids peeing outside” floating around, and it could just be that I’ve only heard the right combination of anecdotes to make me think that.  But it’s enough to make me wonder.

So, my fellow transdudes, tell me (if you dare): Did any of you, as kids, have that random impulse to take a piss in the great outdoors (even in spite of the anatomical inconvenience)?

In other news, these last two weeks with the parents on vacation and the house to myself have been totally awesome in terms of freedom of expression, and they’ve definitely accelerated the process of ascertaining that this is the path I want to take, with little outside interference.  It’s easier to figure out who you are when you have a nice, solid block of time where you don’t have to pretend or apologize to anyone for what you are.  Sadly enough, all of that came to an end Saturday and they’re back, and jumped right back into making me pretend with a vengeance by having church people over for a welcome home party.  These particular Jesus nuts are as conservative as it gets, convinced that any female who doesn’t wear a skirt and three-quarter length sleeves is of the devil.

I opted not to be in full “drag”, but I did wear jeans and a black wifebeater, and I might as well have been dressed as a prostitute.  It was the first time since years ago when I stood up to my parents, quit wearing skirts and stopped going to church that any of these people had seen me, and just for wearing pants, I’m sure I was the subject of gossip at Sunday School the next day.

I felt pretty damn proud of myself.

I also felt naked the entire time they were here.

It was a bizarre sensation.  I was in a situation where I had to force myself to be under the “girl” moniker, and yet I was wearing something that was outside of their expectations, so I got the girl treatment AND the weird, condescending looks at the same time.  They probably thought I was lesbian.  To these people, my only shield had always been behind a dress, so putting myself out there like that made me feel very bare and vulnerable, and yet empowered.  At the end of the day, the only thing I really regretted was not taking it all the way.  But it probably would have caused a lot more drama than I have energy to deal with anyway.  All in all, it was a statement of personal identity and strength, and by the time it was over and done with, I felt a lot more comfortable with myself than before.

(P.S.- Don’t forget my question!)

(P.P.S.- It is Coming.

8.12.09.

{dramatic terminator theme music})

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