So, in the mayhem of the last few days, being stranded in various places with my computer bluescreening at me completely at random, and this new death in the family, I’ve made little progress with keeping to my challenge, and frankly, I don’t really care.
Some things are more important.
I think her funeral is going to be Tuesday, but nobody really knows for sure yet. I was never really extremely close to her- she was the grandma on my mom’s side, and after mom died, I didn’t want too much to do with anyone attached to her. At least, it was that way for a long time. Not only that, but she was very religious and kinda homophobic, and frankly, I didn’t want to deal with the drama of being exiled from her side of the family for being a tranny freak. I remember thinking, quite grimly, that she didn’t have much time left on this earth and I’d rather her go out thinking the best of things about her grandchild than to have to know the truth. Besides, I thought, she was a relic of a time long past, someone set in her ways, someone I’d probably never have any hope of changing. She’s been in bad health for a long time… it was best to just let things be. At least, that was how I felt until only a few months ago. Now, I have regrets.
Recently, I’ve begun to let go of the bitterness I had towards my mom, and coming with that has been a surprising curiosity and hunger to know about the person my mom really was. All I really remember about her was that she was a crazy bitch, in the good ways and in the worst ways. She did the sorts of things to me that people remember monsters for, and yet, at the very least, she was a very interesting person. I’ve heard things about her from her friends, from my dad, and her family that tell me she was capable of extraordinary things. I was coming to believe that my grandmama knew things about her that I wouldn’t even be able to ask of anyone else. I wanted, for a while now, to at least have one last conversation with her- tell her things that she didn’t know about her child, and learn things from her that I didn’t know about my mom.
It seemed like we could have both gained some healing closure from making that connection about one person between us who touched our lives, for better or for worse. But she was in such bad health for such a long time, especially after her first stroke, bedridden and sleeping every time we came to visit. I kept thinking, I’ll be able to talk to her next time. Now, she’s gone, and with her, things that have now forever been lost to time.
Oh, well. Life goes on, and maybe it’s for the best.