A journey to San Francisco to become no less than Me. (BLOG REBOOT: Former site of Hairy Legs.)

Posts tagged ‘30 day challenge’

Day Whatever: Grandma’s funeral.

So, in the mayhem of the last few days, being stranded in various places with my computer bluescreening at me completely at random, and this new death in the family, I’ve made little progress with keeping to my challenge, and frankly, I don’t really care.

Some things are more important.

I think her funeral is going to be Tuesday, but nobody really knows for sure yet.  I was never really extremely close to her- she was the grandma on my mom’s side, and after mom died, I didn’t want too much to do with anyone attached to her.  At least, it was that way for a long time.  Not only that, but she was very religious and kinda homophobic, and frankly, I didn’t want to deal with the drama of being exiled from her side of the family for being a tranny freak.  I remember thinking, quite grimly, that she didn’t have much time left on this earth and I’d rather her go out thinking the best of things about her grandchild than to have to know the truth.  Besides, I thought, she was a relic of a time long past, someone set in her ways, someone I’d probably never have any hope of changing.  She’s been in bad health for a long time… it was best to just let things be. At least, that was how I felt until only a few months ago. Now, I have regrets.

Recently, I’ve begun to let go of the bitterness I had towards my mom, and coming with that has been a surprising curiosity and hunger to know about the person my mom really was.  All I really remember about her was that she was a crazy bitch, in the good ways and in the worst ways.  She did the sorts of things to me that people remember monsters for, and yet, at the very least, she was a very interesting person.  I’ve heard things about her from her friends, from my dad, and her family that tell me she was capable of extraordinary things. I was coming to believe that my grandmama knew things about her that I wouldn’t even be able to ask of anyone else. I wanted, for a while now, to at least have one last conversation with her- tell her things that she didn’t know about her child, and learn things from her that I didn’t know about my mom.

It seemed like we could have both gained some healing closure from making that connection about one person between us who touched our lives, for better or for worse.  But she was in such bad health for such a long time, especially after her first stroke, bedridden and sleeping every time we came to visit.  I kept thinking, I’ll be able to talk to her next time.  Now, she’s gone, and with her, things that have now forever been lost to time.

Oh, well.  Life goes on, and maybe it’s for the best.

Day One: the 30 Day Challenge.

Just today, one of my subscriptions on youtube decided to undertake a project for the month of June- a 30 Day Challenge.  As far as I could tell, it basically involves making an entry on your blog, vlog, journal or what have you, every single day for 30 days, just to see if you can do it.  Apparently, it takes 30 days to form a habit.  Looking at my archives, my blog entries have sporadically but surely been declining month-by-month since last year to the shamefully low stats of only 2 blogs in this last month of May.  Admittedly, I had a certain event this year really take the wind out of my passion for expression, but I’m done letting that sort of thing control my life while alternatively becoming my convenient excuse for laziness in general.

Overall, I’m approaching my 1-year Manniversary for living full time as male, and I feel like it’s time to get back on top of the blogging thing.  I’ve gone long enough letting little but important things slip past me in my documentation of my personal changes.  I almost feel like I’ve been cheating myself out of valuable information that I’m going to want to remember one day when I get to where I want to be, and look back to see how far I’ve come.  Who knows, maybe one day I’ll even be able to condense some of this stuff into a book.  I’ve always been compelled to take notes of my life, though I’m not sure why- almost as if I know that no matter how precious the moment is, one day my memory WILL let me down and things that I’ve fought so hard to experience will have been lost to time forever.  I want to be able to save things, and maybe eventually share them.

So, this is my introductory blurb to the 30 Day Challenge.  I will say that I’m probably going to be keeping it to fairly short notes all month, because I don’t want to put the pressure on myself to write a novel every evening- I know that will drive me away from even wanting to accomplish it at all.  But if I promise myself that all I have to do is enter a few sentences, a thought or a note on how I’m feeling, maybe a picture or even a haiku or something equally artsy, it’ll become a lot easier to make myself hit that “publish” button every single day- even if it means I have to get up early in the morning to do it before going out just to be sure I get it done.

Wish me luck!

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