Welp. I intended to update this every day, but these last few days have been really rough and I haven’t felt like updating unless I had something positive to say, which I didn’t. A lot of it has been “I don’t know if I can make it” and other uninspiring messages of fail and depression. Yesterday was the worst, because I was supposed to go to my weekly therapy appointment and I had been hanging on all morning, dealing with thoughts of hopelessness, worthlessness and suicide, and when I got to the clinic, I waited half an hour, only to be told that my therapist changed my appointment to a day I can’t even be there. I also found out I can’t get an appointment with my psych to have my meds adjusted until late June, so there’s that.
I did get to meet with one of the other behaviorists there, though, and told him of my quitting plight. He was very understanding, and said that if I was having thoughts of suicide, then maybe quitting cold turkey wasn’t the best idea for me. I hadn’t even thought of it that way- I felt like I was either quitting or not, and any compromise constituted failure. So maybe I’ll just go into a plan of moderation and wean off instead.
He also suggested working out, which he said could emulate the effects of a high by releasing the endorphins naturally. I’d heard all that before but kind of dismissed it, as doing a whole workout routine while depressed is kind of similar to lifting a train while not Superman. But this morning I found myself with a spare hour and a half, so not having anything else to do, and craving some of those sweet endorphins, I dug out the old workout tape and gave it a shot. I figured if nothing else I could do it for science and see if it really actually emulated the effects of being high.
Needless to say, it really didn’t, but it did give me a sense of having accomplished something, which is something I haven’t been able to say about anything for a while now. Plus it made me actively sweaty enough to actually want a shower, instead of just kind of smelling myself and going “…meh it can wait.”
I wish I had more to say, or more time to write it, but I’m on my way out to meet my case manager, so that’s really all the update you get for today. I hope I can actually work up some enthusiasm for Fanime this weekend.