As of yesterday, I’ve officially made it two years living full time as male.
(My family even baked me a cake! The celebration would have been really nice if it weren’t for… stuff.)
Lots of things have changed. I’ve been dealing with a lot of personal demons lately, a lot of shit from my childhood bubbling up, and things that just generally eat your energy and time. On top of it I’ve been working practically non-stop. My term with Americorps is almost up and I need a new job if I want to keep my place, so I’m back on the job hunt, and plus I’m applying to art school this spring so I have to put together a bunch of portfolios. I haven’t had a lot of time to think about this whole transgendered thing for a really long time.
It’s faded to the back, and while I’m passing almost 100% of the time now (even without hormones), it’s just not that big of a deal anymore. I’m sure when I finally have the resources to get on T, and the doors open, this will all get very exciting again, but for now it’s been one of the smaller aspects of my life. That’s kind of nice.
Besides all that, I really need to find a therapist who specializes in Dissociative Identity Disorder. It was gone and dormant for near two years now, and I thought I could ignore it, sweep it under the rug, and pretend it didn’t exist so it’d be easier to pass the psych eval for hormones.
Now I’m realizing this is one of the ways I’m going to dealing with severe trauma for the rest of my life, and on top of that, there are still a LOT of buried issues right under the surface that I still need to work through. I’ve never been able to look my sexual abuse squarely in the eye before, but now that it’s doing the whole zombie act and poking its ugly smelly head from the grave, I’m going to have to. I feel like admitting that to a therapist and finally going through therapy for it may be the only truly affective shotgun to the head.
I’ve finally come to accept and embrace my psychotic past as a part of me rather than just thinking I could slough it off and become a brand new person by pretending it isn’t there. I need to really go through and weed it out instead of just shutting the door to the attic and ignoring it until its viney tentacles grow out of control. I may never recover from this if I don’t face it, now.
It’s liberating to realize, though.
That said, sharing my head with someone has never been easy and it’s not easy now.