I only have a couple minutes for it, I just wanted to let the world know I’m still alive.
Since I’ve moved out (GO ME!) in early December, I haven’t had any kind of internet connectivity. We’ve barely been able to afford the rent bills gas food etc., and the only reason I’m in town at a hot spot today is because I need to get my turn signal fixed. So here I am.
I have to say I’m kind of frustrated with where I’m at in my life. I’m excited to finally be in control of my destiny and to finally be the adult who is looking after me. I’m happy to be living in a place where I don’t have to deal with hearing my old name and I don’t have to be okay with my own household misgendering me all the time. And I really am happy to be successful, self-sustaining, and have a roof over my head that I don’t have sell-out to be under. All of these things are more than a lot of people can say, and I’m grateful. But at the same time-
I have a decent chunk of medical bills hanging over my head, and I don’t want to add to them until I’ve got them under control. And I’ve barely had enough money to get by so far, so until I have money, I can’t move forward with transition.
And yet there are people out there with less than what I have, moving forward, getting on with their lives, not stuck in a perpetual state of waiting on their puberty. They deal with the debt because it’s more important to be happy than to be solvent. Am I just being too responsible for my own good? When I look at my situation, I feel like I might be judged by other people for not “wanting it badly enough” to compromise on my principles. Could I be doing more right now to get to where I need to be? Maybe. I’ve always been patient, but I feel like the longer I wait, the more of my life is going to pass by without me. I don’t know what’s more important- or right- for me.
I hate putting it on the back burner. It keeps coming like this- “I’ll start T after I pay my medical bills. And I’ll pay my medical bills after I get my car fixed. And I’ll blank after I blank…” Why can’t it be first for once? It’s my life now, I’m in a place where it’s safe for me to transition, so why can’t I afford it?
Screw the bills. After I pay these ones, I’ll just be adding more on top of a clean slate. Why does it matter when they get paid? I can’t keep doing this to myself.