Just felt like informing you all that this is the first time I’ve ever gotten on the computer after a long day, sat down and stayed on it until the sun came up the next morning. Feels weird, man. Without the sleep in the middle, I feel like I’m still in yesterday.
In 21 years I’ve probably never gone 24 hours without at least 5 hours of sleep, and that’s skimping- my usual runs somewhere around 9. And yet, I really don’t feel tired- I just kinda feel like I’ve somehow crossed the threshold into the Twilight Zone.
Seeing as that’s completely unrelated to gender and I promised I’d spend this entire month forcing myself to talk about gender every day and hopefully get it out of my system, I guess I’ll go into what happened yesterday.
Um, I got to hang out with my dad a lot. And there was, like, father-son bonding and shit. This has happened a lot recently and I find that it’s very cool that I don’t have to go to someone else to learn how to be a man. Yep.
What else. Uhhh… I guess the lack of sleep is making me more likely to spell out what I’m muttering as I try to come up with something. We’re now going to try not to do that because it looks stupid.
…I actually just had to delete an “Errrrrm…”, which is brilliant. It’s like I’m on chat or something.
Anyway. Oh, yes. My sex drive is definitely returning. For a few months there, I was completely turned off the idea of sex in general. I was really worried when it became the case that pictures did nothing for my libido. I was getting to the point where I’d be looking for something, anything, to turn me on and I couldn’t find anything online, even the sort of stuff I knew used to get me going. It all kinda just looked like art to me.
But then tonight I happened to run across a little gay porn in the forum I frequent, and I felt that old familiar sproing. Maybe I’ll be able to enjoy sex again in the future. Meanwhile I have to deal with wanting it and not really having the option…
…Which somehow seems like it’ll be easier now that I have all these new things along with my genital dysphoria, such as shame and anxiety. All I really want right now from anyone is a bj, I think, and it’s not going to feel quite right until I get at least a little growth going on. It seems like sex with other people might just serve to screw more with my dysphoria, so it’s easier not to rush into things and appreciate the solitude.
Still, though, I do miss the intimacy. That’s one thing that makes me feel like less of a dude. I ALMOST, not really, but almost like snuggling better than the sex itself, and it’s hard to ask that of someone you’re not intimate with, for some reason. Hell, it’s hard even to admit to. Sometimes I feel just… hungry, though, and physical contact of any sort is enough to start filling the void- the more skin contact, the better, in that holding hands is like a granola bar and naked snuggling is like a buffet. It’s like sleep and food and water all at once and I feel so energized and yet relaxed afterwards- just replenished, I guess is the word.
This blog has kind of taken a weird, non-gender related turn, but whatever, it’s all about keeping it real, I guess. The point is, women are “supposed” to want intimacy and so they trade sex to get it, and men are “supposed” to want sex and therefore trade intimacy for it, and right now I guess I’d trade a certain amount of sex if it meant I could have someone to hold. I’m getting lower on energy by the day, and paradoxically, sleeping at night gets harder because of it. You’d think I’d sleep more, but no- well, unless it’s during the day, I guess. My sleep schedule gets all screwed up…
So, I’m starting to feel that my pride may have to take a back burner to my health, because I just feel like my eyes are becoming sunken and gray.
Or maybe I just to finally go to bed.
(Im’ma write about something REALLY embarrassing tomorrow!)