A journey to San Francisco to become no less than Me. (BLOG REBOOT: Former site of Hairy Legs.)

Sex.

So, to put it bluntly, I’m having a problem I didn’t think I’d have.  Not only am I having issues with my given unit whilst in bed, but I’m having trouble letting myself be on bottom, period.  I don’t really want to go into all the gory details because I’m sure I’d manage to offend someone out there, but let’s just say that this has led to a lot of heartache and tears for both parties.  I can’t enjoy being in bed anymore unless I’m on top, which basically means I haven’t had sex in a week, because my partner and I are clashing on who gets to dominate.

I never thought I’d be that person who would let those sorts of problems get to me so much that I’d start having feelings of worthlessness and depression, panic, general inferiority and anxiety about it all.  It got bad.  I started tapping out whenever we’d start to do something- down there- and recently I nearly threw up, immediately after which I lost consciousness on my floor next to trash bin.  I spent so long trying to accommodate him and let him know that he wasn’t losing the person who could once upon a time be anything and everything for him, but I pushed it too far, WAAY past the point of being comfortable, to where it seriously started screwing with my mind.  I haven’t felt such a disjunction between my identity and what I was trying to be in a long time.  There’s a lot more going on in my sex life than I care to continue going on about, so let’s just say it’s not going well.  I feel like I’m coming apart at the edges again.

Anyway, I’m starting to feel less lenient on the subject of of bottom surgery.  Last night, I dreamt that I went to a prison, and was told that if I was everybody’s love slave, then I could eventually grow my own penis.  It was horrific, and symbolic in ways that I don’t really care to point out.  I really think that I should pursue bottom surgery if I want these disturbances to stop.

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Comments on: "Sex." (6)

  1. Oh my. I hear what you’re going through. I’ve been there, on the other side, as a woman with the wrong things… feeling sewn shut, watertight, aching about it all the time and unable to really truly be touched by anyone. Feeling isolated and lots of pain at this alien thing — anxiety attacks, sadness, hurting.

    And it was very hard between my partner and I.

    Sometimes its best to step back, remind each other that you love one another… and talk about what might feel good.

    I mostly wanted to write this just to show solidarity and support. I like your blog, and I value honesty… that you have in droves!

    • joaquinjack said:

      It’s been hard to talk about. Mainly, the things he wants to do make me feel uncomfortable (to put it lightly), and the things I want to do make HIM uncomfortable. We’re reaching an event horizon in our relationship- we’re completely sexually incompatible, and we have to see how well we can weather it. I know it sounds completely nasty, depending on how you look at it, but from the first, we’ve always been in it for the sex, as friends with benefits at first, and we just happened to fall in love. I don’t know if it’s so strong, at least from his angle, that if the sex were taken out of the equation, everything else would still hold up. I know I’d still like to have him as my partner, even if we can’t have sex, but I get the feeling he’d get frustrated and/or bored pretty soon, which would put pressure on me and ultimately make me frustrated/upset and want to leave. I’m not sure how it’s going to work.

      Thanks for your kind comments. It’s easy to be honest with a veil of anonymity.

  2. Dameon said:

    On the part of being dominant, maybe you should switch? You know, let him be top, next time let you be top and so on.
    But maybe I’m not the best person to ask about such things, since I never had sex before and with this dysphoria thing it won’t happen anytime soon either. But I can relate in a way that I don’t want to masturbate as often as I used to because it doesn’t feel right.
    Anyway, if you can’t have sex maybe you could do blow- and handjobs to keep him a little satisfied?
    And maybe try to find something that feels right for the both of you. I don’t know, talk about it?
    I think if you two can get through this your relation will become stronger.

    Dameon

    • joaquinjack said:

      Well, obviously that’d be the simple answer, but switching, if you think about it in terms of our relationship, boils down to this:

      “So, which one of us wants to be humiliated and emotionally scarred today? Do I want to be the instigator of the emotional agony today? Do I have the strength to accept that responsibility? Is my partner strong enough to deal with it, to the point where I can forget about his pain and enjoy myself? Or should I just give up and let him top, and deal with the 2-3 days of feelings of personal inadequacy that inevitably come afterwards?” (Keep in mind, these same thoughts, I assume, come from both angles.)

      We’re stuck at a stalemate here. Yeah, we play with each other’s bits sometimes and so forth, but both of us frankly want to fuck, and neither of us want to BE fucked.

      Anyway, we have an idea, a sort of mechanism I can build, but I don’t know how it’ll work out. I’ll update if it works.

      • Dameon said:

        Well, if things are that way I suposse that’s quite a problem. I don’t immediatly have an idea how you can make that work, so I guess we’ll see how your plan goes?
        Sorry if I can’t be much of a help, I try though.
        I hope it all works out in the end.

  3. I’d say if you feel that strongly about it… i.e., you are not a switch, and you’re not flexible about this, then you gotta find someone who’s a bottom if you want somebody to have sex with.

    However, in my experience, I’ve seen a more bottoms than tops out there. Just hanging out in the queer scene in the ATL. Course, it could also just be that you don’t find what you’re looking for, LOL.

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