I’m feeling baffled and lonesome today. Not only did my car break down so I couldn’t go to any trans sympathetic events today, but all of my friends seem to be busy. But if I have to light a candle all by myself today in remembrance, I’ll do it. This day is weighing heavier on me than I thought it would.
I couldn’t sleep this morning. I got up before 6 and started writing my coming out letter to my dad. It’s now probably around five or six pages, and from here it’s just paring it down into something he can process. I needed to start working on it today, even though I’m planning on not coming out until shortly before my 21st birthday next month. I want to have time to let it sit and ruminate, decide what to share and what to keep. Even now I feel I’ve left a ridiculous amount out, but I don’t think it’s the kind of thing he can take in one sitting, anyway. I want to provide him with so much so that he can understand it- I just don’t know how much he can get his head around in one letter, and if he can’t, what the most important thing is to include on his first experience with this, just in case he won’t want to listen to any more of it. I may post my rough draft next time I post.
I’m on a quest to find other trans people in the county, because I’ve heard rumors through a friend of a friend about a friend or two they may have. I don’t really have enough information to go on, but I’m pretty good at internet sleuthing, so I feel that if I dig around with just the right nugget of information, I may uncover something. I just feel like I’m on the coattails of finding someone around here who’s like me. I don’t find much support in the queer community, that’s for sure- I’m tired of hanging around with people who either need to be educated, or don’t want to hear it. I need to get to know someone who already knows.
But, of course, there’s the whole problem of said possibly-existant person being the sort who loves their stealth and doesn’t want it uncovered by anyone, even other trans people. I don’t know how to broach that line. All I know is, I don’t want to be alone in this anymore.
One of my old friends from high school- one of the first friends I made, in fact, in Math- I just came out to him. He sort of figured it out on his own. I was never actually too incredibly close with him, he was just more of a fun guy to be around but not listed among my top friends. But the funny thing is, he’s taking this trans thing like a regular pro, treating me just like one of the guys- just the way he’s always treated me, really- and trying harder than anyone to get my name right. It’s great, he’s like a brother. We got in an arm punching contest yesterday- I think he stopped pulling his punches when I punched his arm with such force that he stumbled back into his porch door. It was awesome. Now I have some bruises that feel just great. No, I mean that. I’ve never actually been in a fight before, and I don’t count slugging contests either. I don’t think I have nearly enough battle scars. It feels good to get some aggression out once in a while and I’m thinking about getting into some kind of combat class, maybe a martial art, maybe boxing. I know for a FACT I want to start working out at a gym of some sort- I wish I could afford a membership, but I think the community college equipment is available with permission. But I’m really getting off track here.
It’s just awesome to have a guy friend who I can joke around with and be a guy with- a straight guy friend, no sexual tension, I’d like to emphasize- and one who really knows what I’m about. I think this is a major uplift in my life right now.
I’d like to do only one thing for sure before the day is over. I’d like to rent and watch “Boys Don’t Cry.” I think one of my other friends is coming over to pick me up today, so I was hoping we could stop and grab it at the video rental. It’s important to be able to watch it today, on this day, if nothing else. I wish I could spread the word to as many of my friends as possible about the dangers of being trans, but for now all I can do is keep writing, light my candles and watch a movie.
I feel a little… useless today.