This has been on my mind almost 24-7 lately (when I’m not thinking about what to do about my car, which broke down a day or two ago, and when I’m not trying to figure out how to get to Anime L.A. in January.) I know that I want this video by one of my favorite trans vloggers on Youtube, Heather, to be part of my coming out presentation, and I encourage any of my fellow transpeople to spread it around:
(Though hell if I know what “Muslix” are. I think it’s a Canadian thing.)
This channel deserves a lot more visibility than it gets. Heather’s videos are very informative, well worded, to the point, and very powerful in getting to the core of a lot of trans-related issues; I think there’s good for all of us in it to spread the word about the TransInsight youtube channel.
I think my car breaking down is actually doing me a little good. I was in an area where I was running, running, constantly running around with friends, filling my schedule with almost more than I could take, trying to escape my reality, I guess. I didn’t give myself any time to sit down and think. Now that I’m being forced to, I realize how soon I’m going to be an adult and that my identity is slowly escaping me and everyone else. I remember I had a goal last year, to be on T before I turned 21. I don’t see that happening, the way I’ve been ignoring my problems, waiting for them to sneak up and bite me in the ass, I guess. The truth is that the longer I wait, the harder it’s going to be for the hormones to take hold in my body, and I can’t sit around and wait for it to be okay with my family anymore. I have to do something about this, or I’m going to be waiting around forever.
I think I’d like to be talking to a gender therapist before I’m 21, at least. I’d like to be on the road to transition, medically, by next month. I’d like to at least be able to tell my dad that I’ve hashed it over with a gender therapist in more than a consulting session. I’ve been putting it off, you see, because in this county there’s only one person to go to for gender issues and I met her once, back when I was still having a lot of trouble with my dissociation. I don’t think she took me seriously- maybe she was in a bad mood, maybe I rubbed her the wrong way, I don’t know, but she seemed so cynical that it was really hard to open up to her about ANYTHING. The experience left a bad taste in my mouth, and I just feel like the chemistry is all wrong.
But damned if I don’t, cause if she’s the only way for me to get to what I want, then I’ll give her another shot. I just hope she doesn’t remember me. All I really remember about how I presented that day was how foggy and burnt out I was, on the ass end of living on the streets for four weeks, and how much effort it took to run through the grocery list again of things that were wrong with me, like someone who has to explain for the forty-fifth time the story of how they wound up with a broken leg in a cast. It was not my best day, to be sure. I don’t even think I brushed my hair that day. But it’s time. It’s time to go back down that road, and I hope I bring a better presentation this time.