I wore binding out for the fourth day in a row today.
– I need a REAL compression shirt of some sort.
– I currently use 6″ ace bandages, which have always worked in a pinch, but obviously not a good idea for every day wear.
– I took them off halfway through the day and noticed a weird purplish coloring, which ironically brought the “tumor” analogy closer to life. Chest bruises = not fun.
– But weirdly enough and even MORE ironically, my friend said that she heard that if you bind enough and cause enough bruises in your chest area, it can cause breast cancer (which kind of has the ring of an urban myth, but you can never be too sure.)
What’s (kind of) awesome:
– My technique has been getting better and it never really has that lumpy look anymore.
– I’m getting better at not noticing the pain until I’ve been in binding for 10+ hours.
Yeah. It’s pretty obvious the pros are overshadowed by the cons. Any list that has “but I’m getting better at ignoring the pain” as a positive point is pretty much the sign of a losing battle.
So, I just went to check out the Big Brothers Used Binder program. I’ve ultimately decided I’m going to have to go on ahead and buy one instead of try to get one through the program. Let’s face it, I may only make $200 a month, and that may be difficult to try and live on, but I’ve got a place to go at night, I’ve got a somewhat supportive parent, I’ve got food stamps… and to put the icing on the cake, I just blew $100 going to San Francisco a couple weeks ago. The site said you can actually order a binder for as little as about $20, which I consider far worth it, even if it means I’m going to have to put off getting my car fixed for a little longer. I’d just feel dirty and awful if I tried to go through Big Brothers. But they’re an awesome program if you’re really falling on hard times.
Looks like, till I scrounge up the means to get my own, I’m going to be dealing with the Ace Horror for a little while.
In other news, I had my first real fight with someone over my trans issues today. I was just trying to figure out something for my best friend to call me, because my birth name has been really getting under my skin lately, and I was trying to go easy on her and not make her call me something that would be “hard” for her, or whatever, because it’s so FUCKING hard for everyone else when us transpeople go through this… okay, I’m settling down now.
Anyway, it seemed like one of those rare things she might have a little fun with, something she could join me in and get really excited about- “YOU get to help me pick my new name, I’m trusting YOU with this,” you know? But just like with anything else I brought up that was trans-related, she got so quiet and distant, offering only the occasional monosyllabic response. It bothered me. I had no idea what she was thinking- whether she hated me, whether she had no opinion, whether she thought her opinions were stupid, whether she was completely uninterested, whether she just wanted to change the subject, I had NOTHING to go on. I’d actually been trying to stifle myself somewhat about it all, only bringing up the things that struck me as positive or funny and not really laying the issue on anyone else, but she finally blew up at me after I questioned why she always got so clammed up whenever I brought up anything. Apparently, it’s all I’ve been talking about, 24-7, forever… Okay, now I’M exaggerating on HER exaggeration out of bitterness. But it’s how I feel about that accusation. Don’t we do other shit together?
I don’t know what to do. Am I just supposed to shut it away and pretend none of this is happening? Let her call me a name that feels like a searing hot poker in my skull every time I hear it? Never bring up any of my current issues, no matter how relevant, awesome, or painfully lonely any of it is to go through? This is what is going on with me, right now, and if she doesn’t want to hear it, then it’s a choice between not being with her or self-censorship. I don’t want to make that choice, but apparently it is SO FUCKING HARD for her to see me try and figure out who the fuck I am, as long as it doesn’t comply with what she thought. I mean, I can’t believe how hard it is for someone to use a different pronoun, or a different name, or just to accept that I can’t be in fucking public and feel like a human being if people can see these… THINGS on my chest! I’m making myself so vulnerable to her and letting her in on all this, and she can’t see anything but how hard it is for HER to deal with any of this.
God, I can’t believe how angry I am about this. Sometimes I feel like if I threw myself into a vat of acid and came out an unrecognizable creature, or cut and mutilated my face and chest and anything that can be seen as female on me, or even just killed myself, I’d feel free from this …thing that tortures me. I’m crawling out of my skin day and night, but it’s SO FUCKING HARD for other people to use a different name, just to relieve a little bit of this hell I’m living in. My message to the world: Oblige me for five fucking seconds out of your selfish life, you assholes, and I might not hang myself when I go home tonight.