A journey to San Francisco to become no less than Me. (BLOG REBOOT: Former site of Hairy Legs.)

This Summer…
{can’t you just hear Don LaFontaine’s voice already?  you know, that guy who does the voice for every major movie trailer in history?}
When a Man…
{pause, movie clip}
Without a Penis…
{pause, movie clip}
Learns to Stand Up.
{sudden, gripping blackness}
To Piss.
{KICK-ASS ACTION SEQUENCE}
Live in Fear of the…
{pause}
S
{boom}
T
{boom}
P
{booooom, gong}
8.12.09

Yeah, that’s about what I’m seeing in anticipation of my STP post, which is actually probably going to be pretty boring in comparison to the buildup.  But writing things like that makes me feel like Stephen Colbert, so I did it anyway.  😉

Anyway, that’s going to be among my next posts.  I have about three or four in my immediate queue, all of which require photos and graphics to properly communicate their given points, and since I’m having technical difficulties concerning getting my pictures on the computer, those entries are waiting around a bit.  But I really felt like updating since all of you have been so supportive and since I’ve also hit an average of about 40 views a day, which is a real perk to me.  Since I now feel I have a fairly steady active viewership of at least a few people, I feel like it’s time to ask a question without feeling stupid for putting a query out into open, dry space.  And I figured I’d ask a question that relates in some way to what I was planning on posting.

My question to all of you, as transmen, concerns pissing.  I realize this is probably way too personal for a lot of you, but seeing as we all pretty much talk amongst ourselves about the devices we use to pee in public urinals, it didn’t seem too far of a reach, at least within our brotherhood.

Looking back, I realize that, as a young child, I had a slight fixation from time to time with peeing outside- you know, behind a bush or a tree, not a sick fascination with it as such where I wanted to be SEEN or anything, but more of, in retrospect, probably the primal call to mark where I’d been, or something of the like.  Now that I’m much older than that “primal” age of six or seven, I hear a lot of stories of kids doing that, but-

they’re always boys.

Never once have I heard a story of a girl that had the compulsion to pee outside when they were little, and nor do I think that people would look on it as quite natural behaviour as little boys.

It’s not like there’s any data on “kids peeing outside” floating around, and it could just be that I’ve only heard the right combination of anecdotes to make me think that.  But it’s enough to make me wonder.

So, my fellow transdudes, tell me (if you dare): Did any of you, as kids, have that random impulse to take a piss in the great outdoors (even in spite of the anatomical inconvenience)?

In other news, these last two weeks with the parents on vacation and the house to myself have been totally awesome in terms of freedom of expression, and they’ve definitely accelerated the process of ascertaining that this is the path I want to take, with little outside interference.  It’s easier to figure out who you are when you have a nice, solid block of time where you don’t have to pretend or apologize to anyone for what you are.  Sadly enough, all of that came to an end Saturday and they’re back, and jumped right back into making me pretend with a vengeance by having church people over for a welcome home party.  These particular Jesus nuts are as conservative as it gets, convinced that any female who doesn’t wear a skirt and three-quarter length sleeves is of the devil.

I opted not to be in full “drag”, but I did wear jeans and a black wifebeater, and I might as well have been dressed as a prostitute.  It was the first time since years ago when I stood up to my parents, quit wearing skirts and stopped going to church that any of these people had seen me, and just for wearing pants, I’m sure I was the subject of gossip at Sunday School the next day.

I felt pretty damn proud of myself.

I also felt naked the entire time they were here.

It was a bizarre sensation.  I was in a situation where I had to force myself to be under the “girl” moniker, and yet I was wearing something that was outside of their expectations, so I got the girl treatment AND the weird, condescending looks at the same time.  They probably thought I was lesbian.  To these people, my only shield had always been behind a dress, so putting myself out there like that made me feel very bare and vulnerable, and yet empowered.  At the end of the day, the only thing I really regretted was not taking it all the way.  But it probably would have caused a lot more drama than I have energy to deal with anyway.  All in all, it was a statement of personal identity and strength, and by the time it was over and done with, I felt a lot more comfortable with myself than before.

(P.S.- Don’t forget my question!)

(P.P.S.- It is Coming.

8.12.09.

{dramatic terminator theme music})

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Comments on: "General life update; the Big STP Post is Coming." (3)

  1. Love your sense of humour! I can’t say that I ever had any particular urges to pee outside at any point, other than situations where an indoor bathroom was too far away to bother (like when out camping or something).

    Sorry it was so hard when your folks came back.

    Funny that you should mention that it was easier to focus on yourself while you were home alone. I started my hardcore self questionning when I left my ex in 2004 and moved out on my own.

  2. findingzack said:

    Ahhhhh…I do believe it’s story time. *reclines in a big chair*

    When I was living in New York, when I was about 4, my best from was a guy named Jeffery. Now, we played together every day, and every once in a while he’d tell me not to follow him, and disappear behind our clubhouse (Which, looking back now I think may have actually been a shed. But it was an epic clubhouse all the same) for a few mins. After a while of having this happen I decided to sneakily follow him and see what he was up to. Imagine my surprise when I found him standing there…and PEEING! I had never even thought that was possible! So, of course, being the awesome kid I was, I felt to need to try it too. So later that day I told HIM to wait while I went behind the clubhouse.

    I went back, pulled down my pants a bit as I had seen him do…and pissed all over myself. At the time I didn’t understand what I did wrong. At that point I hadn’t realized I was any different from him, since my best friends had always been guys. I was just a guy who’s Mom decided it would be fun to stuff him into dresses on occasion.

    So…to answer you question, yes, I certainly tried. And once I get an STP that works for me, I’m gonna come home in the winter and make myself some yellow snow damn it! XD

    Also, great into to the post, I laughed my ass off. =3

    • joaquinjack said:

      Yellow snow. I have to try that now.

      Thanks for your awesome story, it cracked me up (and also made me feel a little less awkward about posting that question in the first place!) 🙂

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